My whole body jolted up from the floor, like I got zapped by some phantom defibrillator. I was going to get up but I had no energy plus my head spun like an out of control broken wheel and I hold it as if it’s going to help how heavy the fuck it felt.
Why was I in the bathroom again?
I noticed my cat at the other end of the room, watching me with careful alert eyes. My predicament slowly dawned back to me and my hand automatically went to feel my chest.
Yep, still hollow.
Am I still breathing?
I didn’t pass out this time, not yet anyway – I felt completely disgusted. I want to puke what tasted like bile in my mouth and I crawled ever so slowly towards the toilet seat, holding on to it like my life depended on it. Nothing came out – I was puking nothing. In my ears, my gagging sounded different – or I was being paranoid. I wanted to say something but I was scared I was not going to sound myself or maybe this was some sort of glitch in the Matrix. C’mon it can’t be me, I plead to the gods old and new, as I held on the toilet seat tighter, feeling a little comfort that I cleaned the day before. I have concluded that, by now, I should’ve bled to death, that’s for sure. I have to check it again. I slowly averted my gaze down at the my chest and then slowly made myself look to the gaping hole in my chest where my heart was supposed to be. I felt weaker than ever and felt my hold on the toilet seat loosen. I started crawling back to the pool of blood on the floor, lying back down on it. I made a mess of my newly cleaned bathroom and started to cry. Petty, I know. I do not know how to tell you in details on how long I was lying there on the floor, mourning for myself. How can I not be dead? Or am I just slowly dying? Oh my God, please don’t let it be voodoo. Or maybe I’m already in hell and I just don’t know it. Am I cursed? Did I piss off some fairies when I went jogging that one time and managed to kick some mushrooms on the way. My cat knows I’m dead but not actually dead – he is looking at my cautiously like he doesn’t recognize me at all. And I cry some more at the thought of people finding out I am able to walk around like a normal person sans a human heart. I’m going to be a science experiment. They are going to cut me up in little pieces and evaluate me. Or they will send my innards to the hospitals. I have no idea what I was going to do next or where I was going to go.
‘Oh-my-god’ I heard someone whisper. I didn’t actually stop crying as quickly as I thought I heard it. I thought it was me but when realize that someone is in the same room as me, the instant feeling I had was dread that man was back. If he was back to kill me, I’d rather take death than this. I try really hard to sit up from where I was. I wipe my face with my arm, which I think is clean and look at the direction of the bathroom door. At first, I wasn’t sure who I was seeing and then I recognize the face. It was Jost, my co-worker. He walked in on me as I was on the floor, surrounded by a pool of my own blood, bawling my eyes out for god knows how long. He can’t be my killer coz he didn’t have any colour on him. Before I could say anything, he passed out.
C’mon man, I have bigger problems than you, I thought as I pointed at my chest and then to an unconscious mess that he is and then back to my chest, feeling rather ridiculed at this point.
I sigh and so does the hole in my chest. All I can do is to wait for him to regain consciousness. I wanted to get up or maybe crawl towards him to see if he’s okay but I was feeling so damn sorry for myself that I lay back down on the bathroom floor, on the pool of my blood.
About fifteen minutes or so, or longer, I can’t tell the time difference anymore, he stumbles awake.
‘Hey,’ I managed to finally say, my voice cracked, and I try to turn to look at him. He turned to look at me, looked at the pool of blood and passed out again.
‘I’ll be here all day. Not going anywhere.’