After lunch, she goes back to ‘the box of doom’ to resume cleaning out her mind. This is what she probably needs. This might be the solution to it all. This time around, she was feeling quite hopeful, eager even.
She found poetry, skipped a few more pages of ranting and then she found herself at the last page. She looks inside the box of doom, wondering if she should go further through the years.
‘Live life. Don’t frigging whine. There isn’t time.’
Elaine finds scrap of paper at the side of the box. It was her handwriting. She finds this both amusing and annoying. It’s like the universe was making fun of her. Ha ha.
Maybe just one more book before she finish up and try to find out what she can do with the bag of mysterious things.
She flipped open one that’s closest to her point of view and she laughed out loud when she saw the entry:
‘Love stinks when you’re young.’
She remembered that conclusion well. She was covering her sibling’s school books with a transparent sticker plastic sheet when it came to her.
Love stank when she was younger. She won’t deny it. She believed the only reason she was in denial was because all that brooding and the hopelessness actually gave her some sort of high and she was hooked on it. Her mind went into some sort of overdrive and it’s all she wanted. But all she really wanted was to be loved and that’s all she could naturally recall. She wanted to make mistakes, get drunk senseless, be stupid, everything she wanted to be that she had not done. She wanted to shine and she was hungry.
But there is nothing wrong with love.
Elaine remembers her mother told her that she loved the thought of being in-love but she knows that she has not fallen in-love before. She dismissed her mother’s theory but she knows that she was right. She just didn’t know what love is back then. It was all still new to her.
Speaking of love, there’s always that obsessive feeling. Elaine thought about stalking. Has she ever stalked anyone?
She remembers wanting to stalk a guy when she was in her senior high school BUT she couldn’t because the guy stayed in the classroom all the time. The only time he emerged from the classroom was after school and the occasional trip to the teacher’s room.
Her plans on the stalking faltered after she found out that he was having an affair with his teacher. She caught them outside the school premises, on the other side of the harbor, far away from the district where her school is situated. It was a complete turn-off for her. One day, the guy finally approached her, made small talk and finally asked her out. If she didn’t find out about him and his class teacher, she would’ve been thrilled. She declined and excused herself. She wouldn’t steep low.
She doesn’t think any one knows about it. She wasn’t the type to talk about things especially things like that. She wasn’t stupid and she minded her own business. She knew it was illegal but it didn’t give her the right to look into it. And besides, she really doesn’t give a shit.
Oh the yucky memories.
She knows she shouldn’t dwell. She should move on with how the diary has depicted her life.
Then, there’s the first love. She stares at the page and squirms. It felt embarrassing because everything she wrote seems so naïve.
There was one time, when C helped her out of the hospital when their friend was hospitalized for overdose. He led her out of the hospital, without a word as if they didn’t speak the same language. All she remembered was walking home, lighting a cigarette after another and just looking at each other briefly like they wanted to say something each other but no words came. She felt then the only way they would have understood each other was sign language. There were just no words but silence is sometimes comforting. And having C with her then was the only thing she needed.
The thought that they ended up together would’ve been nice but that didn’t happen. What did eventually happen was, she grew up like everyone else.
There was a time when she didn’t believe in love. She was a hypocrite back then coz of the broken hearts she’s seen and her broken heart she always had to heal. She found courage, met Tony, the Big Bang happened and her universe took shape. That’s where it started.
Elaine’s beginning to feel lazy again. Not a good sign. She’s gone through this cycle too many times, of looking up things she didn’t want to bring up herself. But then she never got around finishing anything. And her eyes are beginning to get watery which one of the signs she’s getting tired of what she’s doing.
She knows there’s something but how many times did she feel the same way? Maybe because she has to be responsible that she’s forcing herself to focus.
She should focus.
But the laziness is seeping in the cracks.
This is going to be some fight.
Just as Elaine was putting back things in the ‘box of doom’, an old organizer fell off the box. It flicked open as it fell and she found an old picture of her family. It was on a Christmas day. Elaine wondered about how long it’s been she’s had an outing with her family.
Last Christmas was what she remembers but then she argued with herself to think about an outing which didn’t involve a festival. She thinks for a while, and wonders why they never did organize an outing.
She checks the clock and she realizes that it’s already dinner time. These thoughts take up too much time. That’s why there’s that saying that you shouldn’t waste time on dwelling on the past. There are the good memories and the rubbish that comes along with it.
Elaine gets up and randomly remembers a dream she had last night about an albino cockroach. She squirms and she felt her hair rising. She hates cockroaches. One of the reasons she hates them is that you can’t kill them off. They can survive anything. And that freaks her out.
She hopes she has the stomach to eat dinner.